A secret...a long secret

Generally speaking, I am an optimist.  So do not stop halfway through the following tirade.  Also, do not allow yourselves to view this as a wallowing in self-pity blog.  I believe the message is an essential one.  So, I begin.

I have a secret.  It is a terrible secret.  It isn’t terrible due to the fact that most remain ignorant of it.  The terror comes from its pervasive depth.  It tricks the eye like a mirage.  It fools the mind like an illusion.  What is this great secret?

My secret is that I restrain my heart.  It stays behind walls far stronger than stone or steel.  Though it can oft be dark and cold, it can withstand any siege.  The walls are my protection.  They are my Jericho.

If the truth should be told, I must admit that I am not particularly nice and definitely not the best one to comfort someone’s self-image.  I suffer from chronic pride.  I have my own idea of what I deserve, and nothing in this world has met up with my expectations.

Many have tried to scale the walls, but even those persistent enough only find a maze of razor wire and roadblocks.  Inside the walls there is a nonsensical wasteland that is sharp and cold as the worst winter night.  It is my last defense.

Time is my only adversary.  Erosion has already begun.  Its effects are plainly evident.  The keep-out sign is dull and faded.  The barrier remains, but I cannot foresee how much longer.

How did I get here?  You see, I do have some more problems.  I invest too much into those around me.  I take the smallest sleight as a personal offense.  I am drawn to coy, sarcastic, and flirtatious women.  Oh, and I’m vain.

I often love the attributes of my friends, which are part of them.  However, it is extremely hard for me to love them in their entirety.  In regards to women, the same flirty sarcasm that attracts me, brings into genesis a false hope and skewed expectation.  Behind my walls, I am woefully albeit successfully alone.

I fear loss, rejection, and the searing guilt of inadequacy.  I am atypical in regards to all of my relationships.  I am not a good son.  I’m not necessarily a bad one, but I see in numerous ways each and every day the shortcomings that I possess in regards to loving my parents.  I was not a rebellious child nor was I excessively doted upon.  It is just hard for me to love.

There is a depth that I desire in all of my relationships.  But I do not know if what I want, at least to the degree of deepness that I desire, is even possible between 2 parties.  The aspect in which this is exhibited the most is in my relationship with God.  I know of God’s greatness, mercy, love, and sacrifice.  I praise God for being Himself. 

I just think that my actions oftentimes resemble nothing more than heinous apathy.  If I truly loved God, would I not study more?  Would I not be more obedient to His word?  Would I not resemble the Christ who has saved me more closely?

In regards to others relationships, I’ve often said, “Guard your heart, but never fear its use.”  I believe that it is essential to productive, healthy relationships.  However, I do not obey my on mantra.  I don’t guard my heart; I imprison it.  I don’t bring down my barriers for anyone at anytime.  For this reason, it is hard for me love.  I don’t give people the chance to prove themselves to me and I don’t desire to prove myself to others.

I try to live my life subject to the rules that have been pre-established by our society and culture.  The problem is that their rules are wrong.  Friends should not be casual.  Parents should not be somewhat detached from their children.  Your spouse should not be temporary because of the chance that he or she may not love you like you feel you ought to be loved.

We base our relationships off of what we know, the fallibility and weakness of the human will.  I am the greatest of hypocrites!  The reasons that I list for my insecurity and reluctance are they very things that I hate and wish to be destroyed.  I rage at my chains.  I refuse to accept the standards of social etiquette that others demand I follow.

None of us desire to be hurt, nor do we desire a life of subjugation.  We are all alive and we are all going to die.  Those are 2 great truths of this existence.  It is what lies in between those truths that we are held accountable for.  From birth to death there is time.  That time is longer for some than others but we must answer for how we used it regardless.

But oh how fickle are my brothers and I.  How easily we lose our way.  We fear our loss of control.  We want to be puppet masters and have the world march to the beat of our drum.  Chaos and fear are our nemeses.  We cannot let fear overcome us.  It seeks to usurp the foundations of our minds.  It is a blind hysteria, seeking to overturn the seat of sanity.

The only way to find a resolution to removing myself from my prison while still rebelling against the status quo of relationships is to pour every ounce of my energy and passion into every aspect of my life.  I must rely on God to sustain me as I race at breakneck speed to my eventual death.  I must have faith that Christ will speak on my behalf at that time of judgment.  I must be a stayer in the midst of this chaotic world.  I must prove myself to you and you to me, all the while understanding that not every failure is absolute betrayal.

But it is much easier to accept a life of defeatism and despondency than to fight against what this world says you should be.  You and I are not cattle.  We are not a mindless mob.  We simply must find the will to rebel against the lesser gods of this world that demand control of our lives.  There is hope for us yet.